Practical Tips

April 2022

CURIOSITY AND HUMILITY

Developing the habit of bringing our curiosity and humility to conversations can be challenging, particularly when we are triggered. The first step is to cultivate awareness of our state when we are in conversation, and then pause, even momentarily. When we ask ourselves reflective questions — What am I feeling? What are my judgments? What do I not know? What am I trying to achieve? — then we are better able to pivot and ask more open-ended (and open-hearted) questions. We don’t seek perfection in this practice, but consistency. Keep coming back to it.

February 2022

CULTIVATING STILLNESS

Cultivating a stillness practice is easy to do. You just have to commit to it. It can be a formal meditation practice or simply walking in nature with quiet awareness; it’s quite flexible. This is where we gain insights and understanding with gentle curiosity. “Testimony over thousands of years from artists, scientists, and spiritual masters tells us what can happen when we become quiet inside. They speak of becoming clear about the inner source of their emotions, judgments, and sensations; about becoming more open to unimagined possibilities; about receiving insight for new direction; and about experiences of compassion, peace, and love.” (S. Ramsey, B. Schaetti, G. Watanabe)

December 2021

TUNE IN

Tune in to your physical sensations. What are they telling you? When do you feel expanding emotions? When do you feel contraction and heaviness? Pay attention. Do the research. A lot of information is available to you if you tune in.

August 2021

LEARN AND PRACTICE PERSONAL LEADERSHIP

Take my Personal Leadership class. You will find it to be helpful in a very tangible and practical way. 😀

July 2021

SHARING APPRECIATION

Figuring out how to tell someone what qualities and characteristics we appreciate in them can seem daunting at first.

An easy way is to imagine that you are making an email introduction in which you share why you like a particular person. Images will come to mind, and then words, and then sentences. Maybe only one characteristic comes through clearly. That’s okay. Just let it flow however it wants to flow.

Then tell that person at the next opportune moment. You will be setting off a positive ripple effect.

May 2021

DEVELOPING MORE GRACE

Developing more grace begins with being deeply self-aware. It’s not enough to know that I am stressed. What do I need? How might I attain that? What do I need from others? Do I want them to leave me alone? To listen? To assist? To take over a responsibility?

Then, acknowledge that the other person has their own perspective, needs, and time constraints. Don’t just acknowledge them; show that you value them. See and speak to the dignity of the other.

Being gracious isn’t just about doing the right thing: it’s about developing skills that allow us to be more effective, get our needs met, be happier and less stressed, and create more opportunities in collaboration with others.

April 2021

INVITE POSSIBILITY

We invite new possibilities when we reframe things and consider what we do not know.

What do we see in the first image below? We are not sure as we try to make sense of it.

In the second image we see a sunflower, but what is the context? Is it in a vase or a field?

In the third image we see it is in a field.

January 2021

STRENGTHS AND GIFTS

The year 2020 was challenging, and we are not yet out of the woods. While we may want to set goals and intentions for the year, it is also worthwhile (essential!) to pause and consider our strengths and gifts.

Make a list of qualities that you like about yourself, including those that you are not sure of. Ask friends and relatives what qualities they like about you.

From that list, choose two or three. “This is who I am already, and this is what I would like to express more often this year.”

That’s it. You will make the world a better place just by bringing forth what is already inside you.

December 2020

GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT

Don’t start with the hardest and steepest challenge. It may feel too daunting or distasteful to initiate a conversation across a deep divide. But there are many other ways to step beyond your comfort zone in order to extend your generosity just a little further.

Simply be more generous of spirit when thinking or talking about those who do not sit within your orbit of goodwill. Acknowledge your own emotions (anger, disdain, fear, anxiety, whatever) and refrain from judging others. The ability to express our negative emotions without judging others (and without qualifiers) is a huge step forward.

October 2020

CREATING SPACE

It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that interactions revolve around agreement, or persuasion to get to a point of agreement. While this might make sense in certain circumstances (“Should we have chicken or fish for dinner?”), it can be limiting when talking more broadly about values, morality, hopes, dreams, and fears — all of which underpin policy.

When having broader discussions, inquire more. “How did you come to have that view? What influenced you?” Or simply: “Tell me more.”

This requires patience, as well as a willingness to let the other person be the center of attention for a while. But it almost always leads to a much richer and more interesting conversation.

We tend to think of give-and-take in a discussion as taking turns speaking. First, it’s your turn to speak, then my turn. But another way to think about it is that we are giving space to someone to be deeply heard, and we are taking from the interaction an expanded understanding of the world in which we live.

It is in this space that we find opportunities for creativity, collaboration, and constructive engagement.

September 2020

THE VALUE OF ADVANCED SKILLS

It’s easy to be our best selves when all variables are in perfect alignment — i.e., everyone else is behaving as they should, we are well rested and well fed, and no deadlines loom on the horizon.

When things are not perfectly aligned, advanced communication skills give us a roadmap for choosing a response that reflects who we are at our highest and best, consistently. We don’t become a doormat, acquiescing to the needs and wants of the other. Rather, we set our boundaries with compassion, and we leave room for repair, re-interpretation, and possibility. And we spend a lot less time stewing and reviewing past interactions.

Advanced communication skills help us create new opportunities.

August 2020

BEING KIND

Many of us (including me) struggle with how to be kind to others and kind to ourselves at the same time, particularly when needs are in conflict. It often feels like a zero-sum-game: either I am kind to others and do their bidding, or I am kind to myself and in the process, I hurt the other.

There is another way; it is a methodology called Personal Leadership (PL). When confronted with moments of discomfort or indecision, PL teaches us to reflect in a particular way. With practice, it becomes a remarkably effective method for generating both/and conditions, instead of either/or.

July 2020

WHAT MAKES COMMUNICATION EFFECTIVE?

The difference between good communication skills and truly transformative ones rests on how much we reflect on our internal process. “How am I choosing to phrase this? Why?” Or: “What did I hear? How am I interpreting that? Are there other interpretations?”

Transformative communication is both self-reflective and inquisitive — always. That is what makes it effective.

June 2020

MAKING SPACE FOR A DIVERSITY OF REACTIONS

If you feel moved to protest, do so peacefully. If you feel inclined to reflect, do so quietly. If you feel the urge to talk, do so gracefully, with goodwill towards others.

The majority of us share the same values that honor the life and dignity of every human being, but we do not share the same emotions and reactions. Our emotions are personal, constructed from our own experiences.

Focus on shared values and make space for a diversity of emotions.

May 2020

KINDNESS AND EXPECTATIONS

There are many tips and suggestions for managing this period of extreme uncertainty during the coronavirus lockdown. Here is what I am doing. I am lowering my expectations and expanding kindness towards myself and others.

I am being kind to myself by tuning in to what I am thinking and feeling, more often and with more attention. What do I need? How can I take care of myself even as I try to meet the expectations of others?

I am being kind to others by meeting them where they are, which requires tuning in to where they are, not by divination but by asking and truly listening. “How are you?” is just the beginning. We can also ask: “What is on your mind (or plate) these days?”

Now, more than ever, we need to cultivate our self-awareness, as well as our curiosity and openness to others and their mindset. Take the time to do so. It will pay off in spades, by making you feel more connected to yourself and others.

April 2020

REACH OUT IN CONCENTRIC CIRCLES

As with an oxygen mask, take care of yourself first, and if you need help, identify it and articulate it to those around you. Don’t be bashful. Tell your family, friends, or neighbors what you need. It might just be a regular check-in call.

Once you feel that you have a backstop for your own particular needs, you are now in a position to help others. Reach out in concentric circles: first to your family, friends, and neighbors, and then to your larger community if you are so inclined.

We need each other more than ever right now, acting in concert for the benefit of the whole. Small gestures are as important as larger ones. All that matters is that we see the dignity of every person, and we bring our best selves to this moment.

March 2020

DEPOLARIZE ON YOUR OWN SIDE

If you are in the company of people who enjoy ranting or moaning about the “other,” gently guide the conversation in a direction where each person talks about themselves rather than the “other.” Ask them to share their own core beliefs and values without comparison.

For example, you could redirect by saying:

“I know so many people who do not fit the description you are ascribing to them, so I’m finding it hard to make sense of this conversation. But I’m really interested in hearing what is important to you, and why. Tell me who you are, rather than who they are.”

Or if someone says: “I am concerned that “they” are destroying the country I know and love…” shift from the concept of destruction to construction. Respond with: “What is your vision of this country? What would you like to see? What do you hope for?”

Chances are high that what they say will include something like: “I hope for a world in which we can all thrive, in which we get along in spite of our differences, and in which we respect each other...”

Shifting the conversation like this makes room for insight, and for the possibility of finding common ground.

February 2020

FINDING COMMON GROUND

When you feel challenged by a conversation with someone whose views are completely different from your own, take a deep breath, reflect on your thoughts and reactions, and shift gears (i.e., shift your approach, not necessarily the topic).

For example, you may find yourself reacting with disbelief, anger, dismay, or any number of other negative emotions. You may want to correct the other person’s beliefs with a litany of facts and evidence that they are wrong. You may want to ask: “How can you possibly think that?”

Pause long enough to recognize that your reaction is coming from your frame of reference. There is nothing wrong with it, but make space for the other person’s context, too, in all its complexity. Keep your questions open and inviting.

“Tell me more…”

“Help me understand…”

The best questions are an invitation to share; this is where common ground may be found. Shift gears from debate to dialogue, from seeking weakness in the position of the other to seeking deeper understanding.

And remember that deeper understanding takes time.

January 2020

IF/THEN THINKING

Our brains are wired for judgment; we judge all day, every day, positively and negatively. It’s not the act of judging that is the problem, but the fact that we believe our judgments to be accurate.

When we engage in if/then thinking, we are projecting our own frame of reference onto others, or onto a situation. We may not be wrong, but doing so unconsciously and automatically leaves us open to a very large margin of error, and a lot of missed opportunities.

Conscious reflection on our judgments gives us more information:

“What are my judgments in this situation?”
“What do I not know about the situation or the other person?”
“How might I inquire further?
“What are my judgments telling me about what is important me?”
“Can I get comfortable with not drawing conclusions at this moment? Why or why not?”

Simply becoming more aware of “if/then” thinking can lead us to inquiry, and inquiry leads to more nuanced assessments.

December 2019

SCATTER JOY

To “scatter” means to throw in various random directions. “Joy” is a feeling of happiness.

To scatter joy does not mean we have to be a stand-up comedian or the life of the party. It means that we give generously of ourselves without expectation of anything in return. When we hold a door open for someone, or we are patient and kind with a service provider, or we give our full attention to a friend or family member, we are scattering joy.

The beauty of the word “scatter” is that we give of ourselves with abandon, not knowing what might flourish as a result. We simply trust that something positive will germinate. It is one of the most important ways we can heal our world.

November 2019

LISTENING FOR UNDERSTANDING

Listening for understanding means taking yourself out of the picture temporarily. Set aside your morals, your politics, your facts. You are not relinquishing them; you are simply making space to learn more about the other person’s views in context. Devote a bit of time to exploring the experiences of the other, because context and experience shape our perspectives. Listen with a goal of understanding, rather than a goal of persuading or debating.

I guarantee that if you do this with sincerity and openness, you will orchestrate a shift to a different kind of conversation, one that will be more satisfying to all involved.

October 2019

WHEN THINGS GO WRONG

Sometimes our best efforts go askew, or fall on deaf ears. What can we do when the other person refuses to engage in a way that builds mutual understanding, and ultimately, trust and respect?

It’s easy to feel discouraged and blame the process (it doesn’t work) or blame the other person (so-and-so is a __[negative epithet]__). Don’t give up; there are ways to move the ball forward.

Imagine, for example, that you want to be treated with more respect by someone, and the other person either rejects the notion that they have been disrespectful, or launches into a counter-offensive on a tangential topic. (“Yes, but you do ____!”) This can easily turn into a tug-of-war, where we argue over what is or isn’t disrespectful, or we defend ourselves from the counter-offensive, which is a different topic.

If the other person has a different idea of respect than you do, don’t argue about definitions; spell out exactly what you need in terms of actions. You may not get the respect you seek as you understand it, but you can define your boundaries in terms of acceptable behaviors and language. “This is what I need…” You can also explain how it will help you to engage more harmoniously for the benefit of all.

Also, don’t forget to acknowledge the tangential topic the other may have brought up as a counter-offensive. Suggest that you come back to that in another discussion, and show a willingness to listen with an open heart. This kind of modeling of behavior will eventually pay off.

September 2019

EMPATHY

We don’t have to share someone’s feelings; we just need to understand them and make space for them in a gentle and inclusive way.

Empathy is hard to apply across the board. Imagine interacting with a person who makes you angry or upset; can you share that person’s feelings? Probably not. Can you be patient and kind as you inquire further? With a bit of practice, yes.

Practice what can be applied to any situation.

August 2019

CULTIVATING CURIOSITY

We tend to see ourselves as curious beings, because when something really interests us, we love learning more and understanding that particular subject more deeply. In those instances, we recognize that there is always more to learn. But in relationships, we often think we know enough already. We are quick to extrapolate and fill in the blanks from what we know, or think we know, and we usually do so automatically.

To cultivate more curiosity in our relationships (both new relationships and long-standing ones), I invite you to be more conscious of when you move quickly to a stance of understanding, perhaps thinking or saying: “I know exactly what you mean…” or “I know you, and…”

There is always more to explore in another person, and simple phrases like: “Help me understand…” or “Tell me more…” open the door to new insights, and frankly, more interesting conversations. When we are genuinely curious, without judgment, we grow in our understanding of others, ourselves, and the world in which we live.

July 2019

ADDRESSING BIAS

We often think that we should identify and address confirmation bias and belief polarization in others. However, we will make much greater strides when we address it in ourselves and show others how we do it. Modeling the behavior and explaining our process can be incredibly influential. We are inviting others to follow our lead, rather than directing others to do as we say.

Reflect on your own views and how you came to them. Seek out and engage with different viewpoints with curiosity and humility. Be open to adding another piece of information, even a contrary one, to the full mosaic of how you see and understand the world.

June 2019

A GOOD RULE OF THUMB

Being softer in our interactions does not mean dissolving our boundaries. Quite the contrary; it means honoring our own boundaries while also honoring the dignity of the other at the same time.

A good rule of thumb is:

Be CLEAR about your boundaries,
Be KIND in how you convey the message, and
Be CREATIVE in finding solutions.

It's not easy to do consistently, but it is helpful to know what we are aiming for.

May 2019

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU TAKE OFFENSE

When someone says something that offends you, don’t brush it off… but don’t react immediately, either. Pause and reflect. Imagine putting the offense in the palm of your hand and examining it.

Our first reaction is usually to think about what it tells us about the other person. “S/he is a jerk, inconsiderate, self-serving, ignorant, etc.”

But what is your reaction telling you about you? Ask yourself, without judgment: “Why is this important to me?” Unpack it. You’ll be amazed at what you discover when you answer that question honestly, and this is likely to lead you to a different response.

Of course, in the moment we do not have time to pause, reflect, examine. So, ask questions for clarification, in an open and trusting tone of voice. Not only will this buy time; it will likely address some assumptions you have made, and help you see what you might be projecting onto the other.

When we seek clarity, without judgment of ourselves or others, we gain new insights and can see a path forward. It does not necessarily mean that we accept what the other has put forward; it means that we can respond in a way that honors our own needs while still being respectful of the other.

April 2019

EASY E-MAIL ETIQUETTE

As a general rule, try to respond to e-mails within 24-48 hours. If the message requires time to read or implement and you need to set it aside and come back to it later, take a moment to acknowledge receipt, perhaps with an indication of when you might be able to get to it. The sender has taken the time to send/give you something. If you were face to face, you would immediately say thank you. Apply the same rules to asynchronous (time-delayed) communication. Simple gestures like these go a long way to keeping relationships (including business relationships) healthy and thriving.

(Yee gads! As I am writing this, I am remembering something I received yesterday and have not yet acknowledged! 😛 Remember, we are not seeking perfection; just good habits.)

March 2019

DON’T SWEAT IT—SOLVE IT

When you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation in which you or another is experiencing anger, pause. Look under the hood. What, exactly, are you feeling? In what context have you felt that before? Is this the same context? Are you sure? What do you not know? What assumptions are you making? How will you find some answers to what you do not know? Equally important, what is your desired outcome? What is the most effective way to get there?

We all tend to react first, and our desired outcome is to stop feeling anger or discomfort. Our solution is to get rid of that feeling as quickly as possible, either by pushing back or ignoring it. But if we pause long enough to reflect, we can consider more constructive outcomes and more effective solutions to achieve what we want. We can respond rather than react.

Our tendency to communicate via text or email exacerbates a situation because so much context is lost. Humor and vulnerability are missing. You need to add more context—your own and that of the other. Pick up the phone. Meet face-to-face. Add pieces to the puzzle of why there is friction and disconnection.

And if you choose to vent to a friend, recognize that this person is likely to affirm your views and help you feel better in the moment, but this is a temporary salve and not particularly helpful in the long run.

In order to move into an expansive and expanding space, we need to reflect, engage, and solve a problem together. The end result may be to part ways, but engage first. When we misunderstand a situation because of incomplete information, we miss a wealth of opportunities, not only in terms of what is immediately before us, but also the potential for what we cannot yet imagine.

Contact us and we’ll show you how to get there, consistently.

February 2019

CULTIVATING CONNECTIONS ACROSS A DIVIDE

At this moment in time, with tensions high, it is hard to feel kinship with those on the “other side.” We find it easier to be compassionate towards those we think deserve it, and we struggle to see our kinship with those we think are idiots, evil, or both. To smooth the way, consider the following:

Recognize that you might be framing things in a stark, binary way. When we only see two sides—my side and the other side—then we assign all manner of evil and ignorance to a very broad swath of people. Step back from binary thinking and explore the diversity of viewpoints on any given side.
Don’t start with the most difficult relationships. When we learn to ski, we don’t start with the black slopes; we start with easier ones so we can gain confidence and learn what to do with small bumps, twists, and turns. Start with people who have a similar commitment to listening and engagement.
Focus on people, not politics. Explore what experiences have led to someone’s point of view. Explore what they think of when they start their day, or what makes them smile. While this might sound corny, the point is to stop focusing on what choice someone made in a voting booth. Find common ground, or even something you can appreciate in the other; it is the only way to start working towards a shared future we all can be proud of.

January 2019

THE QUERY THAT ILLUMINATES

The quality of our connections and depth of our insights is greatly influenced by the questions we ask, and how we ask them.

A question with barriers is: “How can you think that?!” It fences in the person who hears it and immediately puts that person on the defensive. Many of us ask this question in a milder form, believing that it is not aggressive when in fact it still is. “Do you really believe that…?” In reality, these are statements, not questions.

A question without barriers is an invitation to say more. “Hmm… I don’t see it that way. Help me understand your perspective; tell me more.” This is a statement that is in fact an open-ended question.

Start your query with “Help me understand…” It opens doors and makes conversations more interesting.

December 2018

SEASON’S GREETINGS!

When you find yourself in the presence of outrage over holiday greetings, either from the right or the left (“There is a war on Christmas!” or the reverse: “How thoughtless and insensitive to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!”), first consider whether you think this is an issue worthy of outrage.

If you do – hey, feel free to join in. If you don’t, sidestep the outrage. A fire fizzles when nothing feeds it. Talk about what kinds of greetings you like to give and why. Shift the conversation away from the grand bugaboo of what is wrong with “them” and towards what each of you chooses to do.

November 2018

SEE THE DIGNITY OF THE OTHER

All too often we forget to see, and speak to, the dignity of the other, particularly if the interaction makes us uncomfortable. Perhaps this person has different ideas about what is right and wrong with a situation. It could be a friend, a stranger, a co-worker, or a family member. Our discomfort is what we are most aware of, and this tends to distort the interaction.

One way to shift the dynamic is to take a deep breath, see the dignity of the other, and ask open-ended questions. It sounds simple enough, but it is surprisingly challenging to practice when we are in a heightened emotional state.

To see and speak to the dignity of the other is a touchstone to keep coming back to. It keeps our interactions flowing between us.

October 2018

LISTENING DIFFERENTLY

When you find yourself reacting—either positively or negatively—to what someone says, tune in and listen to yourself. What was in the statement that triggered a reaction in you, and why?

You may need more time for reflection than a flowing conversation permits, so turn to inquiry:

“What did you mean?”

“Help me understand what you are saying (or why you feel that way).”

Invite the person to share more, rather than questioning in a way that either narrows the focus or puts the other person on the defensive.

Attentive listening and transformative listening are not the same. Attentive listening generally means that we repeat back what we heard (“Is this what you meant?”). Transformative listening, on the other hand, opens the space for the other person to clarify in ways that we might not anticipate or imagine. With practice, it really does transform a discussion and generate more insights.

September 2018

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF

There is an unmistakable buzz of energy that comes from talking with people who see the world as we do. It’s natural and even essential to our well-being.

But it can be a slippery slope.

When we value being part of a group that diminishes those outside the group, we can no longer claim to want to build understanding, goodwill, and a better world for all, because this requires that we recognize and speak to the dignity of all.

Be honest with yourself. If you enjoy pointing out the failings of others in a demeaning manner, own it. If, on the other hand, you want to build a better world, then find ways to stand up for your values without diminishing other people.

Check in with yourself periodically to make sure you are in alignment with how you want to be in the world.

August 2018

HOW TO SHIFT A CONVERSATION

It is easy to fall into the trap of talking about a group as a monolithic entity with clearly defined characteristics and beliefs that apply to all. We pick it up from the media, who talk about groups all day long. (“The Republicans; the Democrats; etc.)

We all do it. But there is an easy solution for shifting away from this tendency.

The next time you hear yourself say: “They are…” change it to “I am…”

You can make the same point but frame it differently.

Instead of: “They are so stupid because they don’t see that…”

Change to: “I am concerned that…”

Shift the conversation away from talking about the failings of others to the impact you feel, and invite others to do the same. When someone says: “They are…” ask how s/he might re-phrase the same thought starting with “I am…”

It creates an opening to make the conversation more interesting. It is an opportunity to engage around why someone feels particularly strongly about one issue over another. When we shift to the "I" position, it makes it easier to peel back the layers to get to deeper concerns and motivations.